Comfortable handles.

Years ago I coined a saying, "if everyone takes the piss out of you, maybe there is a comfortable handle". Although for many this is a "blaming the victim", my residual Italianity forces me to react in some way, when someone has a handle in the ass. I HAVE to grab it.

It's something that happens to me when, having lost my sense of ridicule, people start shooting the bullshit that in comparison Crozza looks like Charlemagne.

Here, I happen to read in the Courier of a guy who has a HUGE handle in his ass. And I'm sorry, I can't help it. I HAVE TO. Noblesse oblige.

I therefore decided to do a psychoactive interview with this gentleman, in the sense that I will appear to him in a dream, those dreams that are not remembered, and I will write a historical, heroic and dreamlike piece of contemporary journalism.

• Mr. Crippa, let's start with a simple question: why was he reading Forbes, if he had no idea he was a billionaire?
• Actually I'm a simple person, I speak dialect, and when I subscribed I thought Forbes was a magazine specializing in scissors.
• Scissors?
• Scissors. Tailoring. I am a modest person, and I shorten the pants myself. And I got hooked on scissors.
• Um… I understand. So one day he opens the Forbici newspaper and finds it written that Giuseppe Crippa is a billionaire.
• Exactly. And you can imagine how I felt at that moment. So many things, so many existential questions, have come back to the surface in all their depth.
• Can you give us an example?
• For example, my nights, spent sleepless, wondering what a Ferrari collection is doing in my garage. I was not sleeping. I was wondering "what does this mean?" Who put them there? What is their purpose? Is there anything bigger than us that wanted it like this? I was like a monkey wondering in front of the Monolith.
• And what answers did he give himself?
• Anything. The contemplation of the mysteries of the universe left me stunned. So after reading about this on Forbes, I decided to understand. It is my duty to the Truth, you understand?
• Sounds reasonable to me. And what did he do?
• I called the Guardia di Finanza and asked them if what I read on Forbes is true. And of course it wasn't true. Let alone.
• Um … can you tell us?
• Well, there is little to tell. The sergeant told me that I have been found to have no property for 50 years, as I thought too, and when I explained that Forbes says so he was very kind, you think he offered to send me some oranges. These Sicilians, exquisite people.
• Absolutely delicious. And tell me, have you never suspected anything at work either? Have you ever noticed a certain, what do I know, reverence?
• But what a reverence. Indeed, I have always had very cordial relations with other employees, they fill me with compliments, many tell me that I am perfect for my job.
• And what work does he do, if I may ask?
• The cleaning man. Humble, but satisfying. You come home, get off the helicopter and you know you've done your job.
• Aha. So she thinks she is the man …
• … Cleaning. Exactly.
• And have you never noticed that he goes to the CEO's office in the morning to work?
• Obvious. Someone's gonna have to clean it up, right? Also because it is a shared office.
• In sharing? The CEO's office? And who do you share it with?
• With a gynecologist.
• A gynecologist?
• Yup'. Many times I enter and there I find some girls lying on the desk, legs open, waiting for the visit.
• YYYYh. OOOOk. What does she do?
• Well, the first time I didn't understand. I tried to talk to this young lady, but she was a foreigner. In the end we understood each other, but it took time.
• uh … that is?
• YES, in the end I realized that he could not go home because his ford escort had a hole. So I told her the keys to my Subaru.
• Ford esc… Do you have a Subaru?
• More than one. Look, this is the keychain.
• That B means Bentley.
• No, it's Subaru's B. Subaru's B means Bentley.
• It's safe? But sure sure?
• Obvious. B like Subaru. Everybody knows.
• OK'. Let's go back to the fact: and when he gave the keys to his "Subaru" to the girl, what did he do?
• Oh, first she was angry, then when she saw the keychain she gave me a big smile, but at first she didn't want it.
• What did he not want?
• The key to the subaru. You think I got down on my knees and tried to put it back in my pants.
• Ah. Of course. He wanted to put the key back in his pants.
• Obvious. A modest girl. Then the foreigners say: they would like more, like that.
• I could agree. Can I ask you a more private question?
• Of course.
• Have you ever misunderstood someone, or something?
• Absolutely never. I am a terrific listener. I learned very important lessons by observing and listening.
• Can you give us an example?
• Once I was going home in the evening, by helicopter, and I saw all the traffic on the roads. And I wondered why people keep using cars when there are helicopters. Have you ever wondered?
• Well, sometimes. And what did he learn from this question?
• The force of habit. They are so used to using the car that they can't even think what they would do in a helicopter before. That's why they never use it. And this teaches us how strong the habit is.
• Ah. Well, of course. That has to be it. It's the habit. But back to our topic: had he really never seen any clue, not even vague, of the fact that he was a billionaire?
• Hand! She also sees it where I live: how should I understand that I am a billionaire?
• Well, being in an attic of sixteen hundred meters in the heart of Milan could make you suspicious, right?
• But it goes. They all have it now. Indeed, it begins to get bored. Where do you see the billions?
• Well, in an edo period geisha pubic carpet?
• But which one, this? They are now at IKEA.
• At IKEA? It is a large carpet of one hundred and fifty square meters, at a guess.
• But look, Ikea has a lot of space, up in the fjords.
• Aha. And doesn't that solid gold statue you use as a coat stand give you any doubts either?
• Definitely not, indeed, I can't wait for the archbishop to take it back. He bored me, honestly, in my opinion it would be better on top of the Duomo. Even if it has an emotional value?
• Does the Bela Madunina have an emotional value for you?
• Yes, I bought it in Milano Marittima from a Moroccan, to give it to a German girl I had met.
• And didn't he give it away?
• No, when I returned with the present the girl had fled with the Moroccan.
• Weird people, huh?
• Already'. They would need a modesty bath, to learn the lessons of life. The really important ones.
• For instance?
• Well, if you eat caviar from the buttocks of a naked Thai minor, the taste doesn't change. It's important.
• Things that change inside you, I suppose. Awareness.
• Obvious. But now I say hello, yesterday by mistake I bought a small island on Ebay, and I'm curious to see it.
• A small island in the Pacific?
• Yeah, kind of a rock, they call it Japan. He knows him?
• I seem to have heard of it sometimes.

PS: Miss Gerosa, that stuff cannot be read. For real. Seriously? What is it, a Subaru epidemic? I mean, you read that stuff and common sense is asking for a divorce. And he doesn't give you the keys.