Italian listening.
For the #vitadaexpat series I wanted to talk about a very dangerous category for modern expats, who are what I call "listening Italians". Those who hear you speak (or see you writing on the internet) and come with advice and "knowledge" that you don't need. I would like to give some examples.
At the beginning of my stay in Germany, when Düsseldorf was about half of what it is today, there was a brewery in front of my house. So every now and then, when I didn't feel like diving into the AltStadt nightlife, I'd go for a beer or two there. You can meet people, think about your own cabbages, go online with the local wifi, etc. As long as you drink, you're at your table and nobody bothers you.
So one day, around one o'clock, I leave the brewery and go out to go home, that is, across the street. I had just put my ass on the sofa when I hear the ringing. It is my Hausmeister, who since it has started to snow asks me if I would like to clean the sidewalk (since I live on the first floor), and then have another beer, which he pays.
Ok. So let's go back to the brewery, have a beer, in the meantime the snow accumulates, then it stops snowing, then we clean up and go to sleep. It's half past two in the morning.
Ok.
The next day a colleague sees me sleepy, I explain what happened. But in the nearby chairs there is an Italian listening. Someone who has lived here longer. And he heard it all.
And he informs me that what we have done is mandatory, that there is an ancient law that obliges those on the first floor to do it, and if you don't do it and someone gets hurt by falling they are very acidic cocks.
From that moment on I looked with some anxiety at the weather forecast, and in fact the other two times I saw it snow I always made myself ready (in the brewery).
Do you want to know the truth? There is no law that forces anyone to do so. The reason why many want to do it is a custom, coupled with the fact that many hausmeisters are required to do it by contract. But the tenant on the first floor doesn't really have to fucking do anything.
And I realized it when I came to live here in the Neanderthal hills, surrounded by "ethnic" Germans. One night I was shoveling snow when my landlady's son (who lives slightly further downstream) stops in the car and asks me if I'm having problems with snow.
- Did something collapse?
- No.
- Why are you shoveling snow at three in the morning, then?
- But isn't it mandatory?
- No, that I know of. Also because tomorrow I drive the tractor and clean the whole road in five seconds. (he has a farm here, and he does it for his mother)
- But isn't it then that if someone falls and gets hurt in front of my house then it's my fault?
- People are adults and if they come out in the snow and fall they know what they were doing.
- Ah.
- Besides, a real German doesn't fall in the snow. He examines it closely.
- Uhm …
Another anecdote is the following. At one point I changed my apartment, also while I was living in Düsseldorf. And since I met colleagues from a previous project and I wanted to have a barbecue, I talk about it in the office. Because I don't know what the condominium rules on barbecues are, so I have to inquire and then we will decide the day. Ok.
But the Italian comes to listen. Who heard me. (not the same as before). And he explains to me that only one hour barbecue per week is allowed. And the hausmeister of the condominium must agree.
So I ring Mrs. hausmeister, and I explain to her (in my German A1) that I wanted to use the inner garden for a barbecue on Sunday, and I give her the time. The lady seems embarrassed, but she tells me it's fine. Then he greets me kindly.
We arrive at the barbecue, knowing that we don't have to exceed an hour even to die (let alone, in Germany!), And the hausmeister shows up with her two bratwurst. Let alone if it bothers me, so I slam the two bratwurst on the grill and we have a chat. During the conversation I understand that.
- the one-hour rule exists but is indicative. There are no punishments. It's not mandatory.
- You don't have to tell the hausmeister you're going to have a barbecue, and he can't stop you.
- If you bother the neighbors, they have to come and complain to them.
- She understood that I was inviting her to the barbecue, in fact she came. I'm such a nice and friendly guy.
Moral: the "Italian who listens" (which is a precise anthropological category) knows almost nothing about the country in which he lives, but is anxious to explain it to others. And of course he never gave the Orientierungsprüfung, the compulsory course for taking German citizenship. Also because he does not speak German and does not intend to spend money to learn it. He has contacts with the local Italian community. I met Italians who still don't speak German here after 27 years. And they are all listening, ready to offer advice.
Before moving on to the crazy anthropology of listening Italian, I can say that it is possible to recognize him when he invents “fantastic laws of Germany and where to find them”, for the imaginative punishments he invents.
For example: it is true that if you cross the street with red color on foot, even on the pedestrian crossings, you can be fined, at least I have seen it happen in Düsseldorf and neighboring countries. More so in small and "ethnic" countries. But the fine, mind you, is 5 €. It's more annoying to have to go and pay for it than to pay for it.
The history of unlimited highways has also fooled many. If you listen to the Italian friend who lives in Berlin, you will have stories of Italian friends who live in Italy who go up with the Lamborghini and travel 400 km / h on the motorway, so there are no limits. Yes. Apart from the fact that they are in all a few hundred kilometers on a huge motorway network, the problem is that there is the crime of dangerous driving. So if you do your 400Km / h you will not be fined for speeding, but for extremely dangerous driving. "Highways without limits" shit: it's more a political fetish than anything else.
But then again, you recognize him by the imaginative punishments he invents. They are always imaginative, to the extent that no one who has barbecued an hour and a half has ever been kicked out of the house by condos, who throw firecrackers and smoked bacon at you, some sliced before. I can assure you this is a rather rare occurrence.
Similarly, the pole you see in front of the town hall is not used to impale those who live on the first floor but do not clear the sidewalk of snow. Legends of this kind are typical of Romania, but I'm not so sure there either. In short, impaling people in front of the town hall is an uncommon habit. The Germans got lazy. Bewegung! Bewegung!
There are two types of Italian listening in Germany. The Berliner and all the others. They are the same, but the Berliner is worse because he thinks he lives in Germany.
The Berliner arrived in Berlin thanks to other friends who live there. Thanks to them he found a home with another Italian, and often a job with another Italian. They go out to Italian clubs, and hang out mainly in Italians. Learn German? What good is it, if we are all Italians? Some, the nerds, learn it. But they are few.
Berlin is not a place where you learn Germany from. I'm not saying it's not in Germany. But imagine for a moment to take Taranto, make it an autonomous region like Val d'Aosta, and then make it the capital.
You will get a “peculiar at least” city. Of course, if you are in Taranto you are in Italy, but to say “I've been to Taranto, now I'll explain Italy” would be at least bizarre. We all know that Taranto is a peculiar place.
Here, Berlin is a peculiar place. A history book would be enough to explain it, and in fact it is located in East Germany, it is the first landing point for those who emigrate from the hinterland of regions that are not so rich or advanced. In short, if you are in Berlin you have seen Berlin. Not "Germany". Probably not even Düsseldorf or Neandertal are privileged observers, but …
… and here we come to the second peculiarity of listening Italian …
… The Italian listening DOES NOT MOVE from the first German city where it sets foot. The dry 100% of Italians who go to live in Berlin don't go anywhere else. It's like for them the wall never came down, or something like that.
It is also valid for the Italian listening in Düsseldorf. When I say that I live in Neandertal (that is precisely in those valleys there, which are located on the territory of the municipality of Erkrath) my German colleagues tell me "nice place, if you like greenery", while Italians who have lived here for 20 years they say "is it far?". It's 8 minutes with the S28 train. Eight fucking minutes. And they don't even know it exists. But at least a fucking selfie at the museum, right? There is also naked Neandertalia with two crazy boobs. (In statue).
As I have heard, 30 km from Cologne, “that in the end there are no great Gothic monuments here”.
because listening to Italian is like this. He never leaves his neighborhood, he builds his den between the historic center, his favorite pizzeria and the place to stroll. He does not visit the neighboring cities, he does not even visit the city where he lives, and then he complains that "there is nothing". When I say that I have been four days to visit Koblenz, they tell me "okay, there is wine, but what is there to see in Koblenz?". Others tell me "but is it far away?".
The most cosmopolitan are interested in local football and sometimes follow the local team away. Point.
And if you already have this trend and you close yourself in Berlin, you will see very little of Germany. (Do you understand, Mastrobuoni?). Berlin is beautiful, but it is peculiar from EVERY point of view: it has a history that is what it is, it is in an area that is what it is, social problems almost unprecedented in Germany, and many other things .
Living in this way, watching Rai but not Tageschau, the listening Italian finds himself with a problem: understanding the world around him. The things he sees. Understanding why people behave the way they do. And so on to "imaginary German laws, and where to find them": to explain the fact that normally people do things that are not seen in Italy, (like, you can't beat a child, not even for pedagogical reasons), they generally bring up absurd historical reasons, like "why the Nazis beat children". (The Nazis always have something to do with it, since they only know this about Germany).
Since they don't even want to take citizenship, they don't do any Orientierungsprüfung, which at least could explain to them something about the country, its legal system, its Constitution and its history. (it is mandatory to pass this citizenship exam).
But they listen, and inform the newcomers of their fantastic laws, and where to find them. In particular, however, there are things they have not understood:
- Germany is a federal country. The police are in the hands of the regions, which also have their own secret service. A lot of things are federal.
- But it is a very cohesive state: unlike American federalism, there is a bundesrat that deals with harmonizing laws with federal ones. This is why Bavaria is not "the German Texas", as I have heard. A situation like the Texan one would be impossible, precisely because the Bundesrat exists, and because the various commissions of the presidents of the regions exist.
- Not all German customs and traditions come from Hitler. Nazism had a (thankfully) very limited impact in this regard. German traditions can also be ancient.
- No, the Vikings have little to do with it. With what? With practically anything. They were much further north.
- German police. It's a fetish, it's an obsession. If you behave well they are very kind. If you disrespect them, they get pissed off and you don't want to. Did I see them hit? Yes. Were they doing well? Yup.
- The German constitution is anti-Nazi, just like the Italian one is anti-fascist, so you don't see soldiers on the streets helping the police. Can not be done'. This is why you do not see the police of one region "helping the other region". Can not be done'. A lot of things the state can't do.
- There are local traditions. The fact that in Berlin you have never been able to buy an Apfelwein “bembel” (cider, in short) does not mean that Frankfurt is not in Germany. After all, the fact that “himmel und Ärd” (dialect for Himmel und Erde) is rarely found in Berlin does not mean that Düsseldorf is not in Germany. Haven't you ever heard it in Berlin? Esticazzi?
Anecdotally speaking, I just argued with one of these. According to which the German policemen would roam freely between different regions (Land), to lend a hand to their colleagues, avoiding the duty to identify themselves. It is not a federal law, but all the Länder have rules on the identification of policemen. In some cases they must have the name on the uniform, in other Land a number. In all the Land you identify them, only the method changes.
But the Italian says "ah, but if it is a regional thing it is not a rule". Aha. Yes, that's how it works in Italy. But if you had ever listened to a Tageschau, you would have understood that if a rule is regional it is already strong in its own right (because it is a federal country, in fact), and if there are similar laws in all regions, then you won't notice many differences with a federal rule. For example, the school is regional, but the programs are unified.
Apart from Berlin, which is so peculiar that it is almost always a separate case.
But if you speak with the Italian listening, that is when he swoops into the discussion giving you never requested advice, things are not like that and terrible pitfalls await you.
“Beware of your children's school. Their future stems from this. They tattoo them on their arm, and depending on the tattoo they could be forced to act as slaves in the prisons on the Rhine ”.
No, that's not how it works. The school system is complex, but it is not as described. And they don't tattoo anyone with a number on their arm.
Or
“Do not convert your driving license to a German one. Then you find yourself with two nationalities, and you are German when you are in your car and Italian when you are on foot ".
(I didn't understand what the guy wanted to tell me, so I don't know how to comment on it). Maybe he thought he was talking to an ambassador who has flags on the hood.
Here, the problem of these characters is precisely this: they close themselves up in a kind of bubble, a ghetto that is often Italian-speaking, and then they lie in wait in search of other Italians. As soon as they hear one just arrived, they swoop down on him with unsolicited advice and imaginative German rules, and where to find them.
Here, you would have broken your dick in a bit.