The title is fiercely provocative, but you know very well what's going on: Easter is coming, relatives meet again, "friends" meet again, and obviously everyone discovers that compared to 5 years ago I have lost about 27 kilos. At first everyone says it's a good thing, until I say how I did it. And at that point, everyone who has an idea about diet and nutrition solemnly declares that I'm lying, that their dietary religion is the right one.

Because let's face it, food today is the new religion, and consequently it is the land of conquest of all the charlatans who wish to make a penny on it. Each with its own religion. Including those who call themselves "scientific", and who don't have shit about science.

Oh, I know what you're saying. Here in Germany they pay you 80% of a full course from a nutritionist. Mine even came with me to see how I shopped, taught me how to read labels, etc. etc. All paid for by the Krankenkasse. (or rather 80%).

Well.

I then compared, using my usual web scraping skills, scientific diets with those like neandertal, detox, paleo, no-carb, keto, vegan, blablabla. And the fact that there are so many is good, because it is possible to do clustering.

But you will say: with what criterion? I used two simple criteria: the diet itself, and the type of industry that produces the particular food. As industries I used:

1. Alt-food (supplements, sports food, gluten-free, XYZ-free, ethical, whatever, things I find in specific stores)
2. Industrial (preserved food that I find in supermarkets and large retailers), any stuff.
3. Fashion: neandertal, paleo, detox, whatever hollywood says
4. Fresh & raw food.

I then switched the diets to my favorite clustering system (Datameer, which I license due to work), and determined mainly, as I expected, four clusters of "experts".

Type of expert/fixation	Industry that pays the expert	Bullshit rate.	Example
"Scientific". Obsessed with the three main nutrients, which are not really relevant.	Food industry	75%	Muh sugar muh insulin, muh calories, muh Mediterranean
“Fashion”. Fix yourself with magic words. “Paleo”, “detox”, nonsense.	Catering industry. It serves to differentiate restaurants from each other.	80/90%	Muh environment, muh cool population, muh zero kilometer
"Fitness". Protein fixation, supplements, high metabolism,	Fitness industry, gyms, supplements and various chemistry.	~100%	Muh muscles, muh if you eat little the metabolism adapts and you get fat, muh alien thermodynamics
My grandmother. Lived to be 101 years old. Never talked about diet, she used the word "hunger".	None. She's not considered an expert.	~0. (he doesn't know why he looks great and he doesn't have an opinion, so he can't talk shit)	"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, eat what's on your plate."

Now, I'm not one of those who says "you have to do like your grandfather". Grandparents often do huge shit. They did (we wouldn't be remembering Auschwitz or Vietnam otherwise) and they still will. Even when we are grandparents.

So why did I assign my grandmother the title of “expert”: simple.

1. Got the result. Died at 101, along with those who did like her, two days of "bed" in the hospital before dying. The rest of life, impressive quality. (apart from world wars which, however, did not depend on his lifestyle)
2. To do as you did, you need to be an expert in a specific, rather complex subject. It's not always an academic skill, but it's certainly a systematic skill. No, it's not empirical dietetics. It's not even dietetics.

I have, to be honest, no name for this expert. In the past there was a type of school that taught this subject, so we could say that of two grandmothers, one who attended school and one who didn't, the empirical exercise and the scientific one correspond.

I'll explain later.

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Let's go to the first type of expert, the university scientific nutritionists. They know roughly 5% of what happens to food in your body. And I'm generous. Because if I ask a pharmacy expert about the metabolic effects of aspirin, he talks to me for three months straight.

Ask these experts what the metabolic effect of salt is. Some pepper. Some oil. They will always talk for three months in a row, issuing a wave of apodictic expressions, as well as intellectually malodorous.

How come? Because they are academics. Every year I have to fill out paperwork and paperwork to get "funds", which arrive less and less and more rarely. What do they do then? A good blowjob to the food industry. And funds abound.

Nowadays, academics are the most corrupt and corruptible category of "experts". Their science is correct, what they publish is a scam. There is a gigantic discrepancy between what they know and what they publish. They lie knowing they are lying, paid by some industry. Everyone.

Bullshit like "if you exceed in sugar, with three molecules of sugar the body will make triglycerides". Aha. Really? No. It will do so under certain chemical conditions , in a balance that you can achieve not only with insulin, but with 75 other molecules and 27 chemicals, all of which are essential to the process. Take one off and nothing happens. It is such a delicate process that it can be considered an exception.

Like saying that if you put oil in the sun you don't get any diesel, unless you build an entire refinery around it. I'm sorry to say it, but "refinery" is not found in nature, and it is an exceptional place. Ditto for the conditions that allow sugars to be transformed into triglycerides.

It's not a general rule at all. If you take a test tube, put sugars and water and insulin in it, you get sugars, water and insulin.

Why do these conditions seem so common? Because they are stimulated by all the "hidden" ingredients that are in "industrial" food, the same lobby that pays these experts.

An example, but I would not argue with the example. Eat mayonnaise in front of these "experts". Absolute evil. It is one of those sauces to forget, they will tell you. Along with ketchup, a symbol of trash food.

Now make them at home:

Mayonnaise: Very fresh egg yolks, at room temperature 2 , Lemon juice 1 , Seed oil 250 g , White wine vinegar (and a half) 1 teaspoon , Black pepper to taste , Fine salt 3 g

Is this the recipe for evil? You are joking, I hope. All the components, all of them, are part of the "Mediterranean Diet" that you are promoting. So it's not true that it makes you fat? No.

But it's not about the ingredients. In fact, if you make it at home, you will notice that it goes bad. In few hours. Even in the fridge. And even if it doesn't go bad, it changes its appearance.

What you buy has a supply chain of about two months between storage and delivery.

How does mayo last two months? The secret lies in the list of "various additives" that you find in the ingredients on the package.

Let's try to ask ourselves one thing: since the digestion process can be described as "food goes bad, but it's a good thing" (yes, it goes bad: for this reason it literally becomes shit. If it "becomes shit" for it's not going bad, remind me not to come to your house to eat), isn't it that preventing food from going bad can, let's say, prevent the body from disposing of it in the correct times?

Hmm, you see. In any case, no "nutritionist" who has ever "taught me how to shop" has ever told me about these processes. We've always looked at the label starting with protein (good and bad), carbohydrates (good and bad), fat (good and bad). All those elements such as "preservation substances", "flavors", seem transparent for dieticians.

Sure, milk can be kept for 30 days instead of one/two days, bread never goes mouldy, but what do you want it to be. Everything behaves as it should, but the important thing is the calories.

Defining them clowns is an understatement: from their point of view, nerve gas would be irrelevant, given that sugars make triglycerides.

I don't want to comment on the Mediterranean diet because it's a blog in Italian, and Italians seem to claim the Mediterranean diet as a monopoly. It seems to be “definite” , but :

Need I add more?

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The second type of cazzari is easy to identify, and they are those of the Fashion diets, those that start with "low" and with "no", or refer to those very healthy populations, in contact with nature, who are very healthy as long as they don't crack and also badly, around 30/40 years old.

The "paleo" diet and the "neandertal" diet were definitely good for keeping you thin, only you died at 25, and judging by the skeletons, deformed and/or chronically ill. It is also forgotten that the thinness was due to the fact that these people fasted 50% of the time.

I don't want to comment on "superfoods", which honestly don't exist. You've devastated the planet by creating an avocado supply chain, only to say you're vegan for the environment. It's useless to talk about vegans: that diet damages the brain and makes narcissists. We can all see it.

Detox, if we translate what it means into chemistry, means that by drinking tea you will be able to eliminate substances that are among the most stubborn, penetrating, permanent pollutants, with the precision of a few nanograms per kilogram of weight. You could do it by sticking the body through a mass spectrometer. Perhaps. But I do not believe it. And in any case, being vaporized is not a diet. It's deadly.

However, a large restaurant lobby wants to stand out, wants to load the food with expectations and identity, and it must be said that two restaurants compete with each other, a steak house and a vegan restaurant, on the other hand, do not. We've doubled the number of restaurants, and with less competition, we'll be able to raise our prices. Et voila: one restaurant is vegan, one is paleo, one is detox, one is "coglio": all equally demented, but now they don't compete with each other, and can raise their prices.

The multiplication of loaves and fishes, obtained by dividing the restaurant that sells bread from the one that sells fish. Et, voilà. However, it is a powerful business, which may well create a plethora of "experts" and pay Hollywood actresses and actors to advertise. The fact that these actors spend 80% of their time in a spa is hardly ever mentioned.

The "diva's secret" is to spend 80% of one's time in spas, gyms, beauticians, make-up artists and plastic surgeons and not do any strenuous work. The fad diet has no weight in their shape. Zero-per-cent. Get over it.

Did I mention Photoshop and various CGI yet?

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The fitness. Wow. They seem to view the human body as a kind of diesel engine. What they don't understand is that a diesel engine works under completely controlled conditions. And that even so, a diesel engine would survive the equivalent of the bullshit they tell.

Let me be clear, I do a lot of sport myself. Judo and gym.

When they come up with their bullshit, I often have to keep from laughing.

"The secret of burning fat is to raise the metabolism" is equivalent to "to empty the tank, just degas for no reason and always keep the fourth and fifth gears. Even when stopped."

Works. It undoubtedly works. You just throw the engine away after 3 years. But other than that, it'll work. You will have an empty tank almost always and easily.

The problem is that, even by exploiting the "big" muscles which, according to them, regulate the metabolism (they think it is the turbo injector, in short), you don't exploit them enough.

A farmer from 1905 did exactly that. But consumption was "slightly" different from a bodybuilder. And they ate carbohydrates like shit, while bodybuilders eat protein. There is therefore no scientific evidence: two, three hours of gym a day ARE NOT enough to emulate 13 hours on the fields.

I would like to name a bullshit typical of "evolutionary thinking", which permeates all those statements that begin with "because that happens in nature".

The first is that "if you eat little, your body enters a state that makes it consume less". Maybe you should take a course in logic: if you eat less you will consume less because you eat less.

If your car's tank is empty, your car will enter a state where it consumes zero. Very true. Consume less because you have less. It's simple, and no "evolutionary mechanism" is needed to justify the fact that if you have less to spend, you spend less.

It's true that there are adaptation mechanisms, BUT IT'S NOT PROVEN that they make you fat . There has NEVER been a test done that “proves” this without using deprecated statistical techniques and/or intellectually offensive cherrypicking.

There are no populations with malnutrition/malnutrition problems AND ALSO obesity problems. This statement, ALONE, is enough to demonstrate that IT IS NOT TRUE that you are gaining weight because you eat too little and your very touchy body "goes into energy saving".

Of course, it serves to make you feel better: you are not greedy, on the contrary. You get fat because you are too virtuous in your diet. You really need an expert, don't you. But don't worry, being fat isn't the fault of your vices: on the contrary, you are TOO virtuous.

Nice to hear that, huh?

If only there was a single, ounce of “science behind it”, I mean.

But when there is no science, an "evolutionary" mechanism is mentioned, and so on. Science sounding.

And I warn you. Fitness is measured over the long term. Who does fitness manages to be "healthy", or to appear so, for a short time. There are still no long-term studies on this thing, because it's a recent phenomenon.

What we do know is that if you rev ​​up the engine all the time, the engine will die sooner. It also applies to organic processes. Higher metabolism, shorter life.

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Let's move on to the last type of expert. My grandmothers. 101 and 98 years of life, very short pre-death agony, excellent (long-term) health. They spent many years "eating little" (war and other) but they didn't gain weight when their body went into "energy saving". Who knows why. They worked a lot and slept little, like all women of the period. And they didn't gain weight because they didn't sleep much.

Grandparents died first, but dying from the aftermath of mustard gas in Yugoslavia tells me little about diet, other than not to eat mustard gas and not to wear shit masks where there is mustard gas. The other grandfather, the one not from Ferrara, lasted 75 years, but almost nothing is known about what he ate in transhumance, which lasted about 4 months a year. No one saw him eat, and did not tell. I know that he knew a lot of edible herbs, because the pharmacist of the village told me that (he too a socialist) he went into hiding not to make war. I can't tell you anything else.

So I'll focus on the bitches of record. One was in the fourth grade (thanks to Gentile), the other had reached the "female professional" from the nuns. Where he had studied a subject called "home economics".

They both had one thing in common:

An iron budget, that is, a ferocious discipline, for food purchases.

And here is the trick to lose weight and stay slim:

give food purchases an inflexible, and low , budget.

And of course NO dietician will tell you this, ALL being paid by people who earn when you spend more on your "diet".

I'll explain how the process works, because I did it too.

• First phase : since you have little budget, you always end up at the supermarket buying trash food. This is the phase in which you are tempted to abandon, because supermarket food keeps a lot, so it is full of processes and substances that prevent it from becoming shit in due time. Since "digesting food" is "transforming it into shit", that is, decomposing it, the more food is preserved, the more it remains in the balls in your body (instead of becoming shit). In this phase you will gain weight, because the supermarket and large retailers do this: food that doesn't digest well. You will be depressed for lack of results. Then you ask yourself "my grandmother went to the supermarket"? And the answer is “he has never set foot in a place like this in his life. She hated them, she loathed them, she despised them, she would rather have entered a sadomasochistic brothel”. So how did he do it with the budget?

It so happened that my grandmother did not think to eat hearty and tasty food EVERY DAY. So he divided the budget into TWO parts. “Sundays/holidays” and “normal days”.

Half of the budget went to Sundays. In which he ate the best food I've ever eaten, and that's why in my generation "going to see Grandma" meant "going to eat well". But he didn't go into a supermarket: meat from the butcher, bread from the baker, fish from the fishmonger (or at the village market), fruit and vegetables from the greengrocer.

Half if not 60% of the weekly budget went to Sunday.

From a dietetic point of view, my grandmother's time was not linear . Breaking it down with a frequency analysis, using Fourier, we would have found:

1. A very strong weekly harmonica. (Sundays ate like God)
2. An annual strong harmonica (holidays, birthdays, etc.)

During university, for various reasons, I lived with her instead of with mine. My mom and dad were looking for “abundance and flavor every day”. My grandmother, on the other hand, was "Sunday apotheosis and weekly mediocrity".

Needless to say, I didn't have an ounce of fat on me.

• Second phase. Split your budget in two, 60% for Sunday, 40% for the rest of the week. Eat WELL on Sunday, at the expense of the week. Benissimo means VERY GOOD. No guilt. No sin. The good stuff. A lot.

How did my grandmother eat?

During the week, let's say non-holidays, it had two modes: normal and friday. Friday was simply and only vegetables, cooked in different ways, from mashed potatoes to polenta, with tasty sauces such as tomato peppers, and obligatory sautéed to give flavour.

The rest of the week was various pastries at noon, milk and four biscuits (four means 4. The natural number between 3 and 5). In this way, a box of biscuits lasted six days.

At noon, a pasta with different toppings, including the ragu he had made for Sunday, in excessive quantities. In the evening bread (a small couple) from Ferrara with four (numbers are numbers) slices of good cold cuts (bought in delicatessens, not under antichrist controlled atmosphere inside a plastic blister made in Taffo), or slices of cheese always bought in delicatessens. The amount depended on the flavor.

Then came Sunday.

You arrived at the table, (feeding me was, apparently, his precise duty. He took it as a Borg would have taken it. Resisting was futile. You will assimilate what is at the table because food is not thrown away) you found the “ brazadela” with milk. Entire. Always whole. Fresh. If the milk doesn't go bad in a day, it's a shitty white liquid. There are dairies.

You're already wondering if you'll make it through lunch. But the answer is obvious because you ate conservatively during the week.

Your fucking organism may have also entered a state of "energy saving", but this does not mean that "then I don't pay at work" or "but in this way I become apathetic". Balls. There is no evolutionary mechanism that leads you to be apathetic or tired if you don't eat: don't you believe it? Starve a tiger and then enter the cage. Can you tell me if it is apathetic or if it "does not perform" because it has entered "energy saving": it is true that the tiger has entered energy saving, but it is not true that it now performs worse, or that it is " apathetic".

If you happen to be apathetic it's because you lead a shitty life, if you don't pay off at work it's because you do a shitty job that you don't like. Stop blaming the diet for this.

Anyway I said, pie tart (with Olympic jams or not) for breakfast. He never told me to stop. It was Sunday. Sunday we eat. At the limit “don't eat too much otherwise you won't eat lunch).

Lunch was obviously heavenly: first course of lasagne, tortellini in broth or cappellacci with pumpkin and ragu', roasts with a hallucinating aroma, stewed hares or rabbit, and all the Emilian paraphernalia, with seasonal variations such as grilled meat in summer, stewed eel, salama da sugo in December, and more.

Then there was the salad (fresh. There are greengrocers), depending on the season of tomato, or sliced ​​cabbage, etc.

Finally, oblivious to the breakfast pie, "it depended on the inspiration". In short, he enjoyed making sweets.

Obviously the wine, which was tolerated very well on Sundays. And there was also a grapnel or anicino in the coffee.

For dieticians, absolute evil, seasoned with a knob of butter. I won't tell you about the fried fish, because it involved lard. Frying in oil for my grandmother was like saying "Put the Caravan to the Ferrari". Okay.

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So I did the same. With German variations, like not knowing how to cook brazadela, I stop by the Backerei and buy myself a fresh-baked strudel on my way to work. Or I have a sandwich or a Giant Cheese Pretzel for lunch. In the evening, bread with cheese and salami.

On Sunday I eat all the best things I want, consuming 60% of the budget, and the rest of the week I feed myself.

But what happens by doing it this way?

1. Scientific nutritionists tell me it's an absurd diet because I haven't seen a supermarket for 3 years and they are paid by the food industry and then my body will now be in energy saving and this will make me feel sluggish.
2. At the gym they USELESSLY try to sell me 50 euro packs of “protein powder”. Normally I disdain as if they offer me heroin. Like the hustlers, they gave me some free, vegan and vanilla too. Excellent for making ice cream (recipe follows). Obviously, for them I'm wrong, because I don't want to kill myself with pseudosports to make my metabolism rise and look like a draft horse.
3. Vegans, Neanderthals, Detoxes, Cazzibuffi, they hate me. Because even if I go to a restaurant with them once a week, I don't have rules . While they, bigots, look at me from the bottom of their "virtuous" rules. Anyway, the rest of the time I eat only the right.

But especially, because it works. It has worked for millennia. It's also Mediterranean, if you like.

Except that, when I say " give yourself a budget for food and drop it until you reach the weight you want " I'm doing everything that for the sponsors of these "experts" is ABSOLUTE EVIL. Less business.

It is possible to lose weight at will and definitively and permanently following a PURE ECONOMIC criterion . What her maternal grandmother had been taught as "home economics" in the "female professional" she had attended, and what her paternal grandmother had been taught about life as a widow and two world wars.

The reason for this "obesity epidemic" is that we are spending what they say to buy the things they make. “They” are the food industry, “they” are the restaurant industry, they are the various “alt food” industries

Now you're calling me a conspiracy theorist. When you talk about lobbies you are always called conspiracy theorists. Except when you like the speech and then you say that the USA does not ban guns for the gun lobby. You like that conspiracy, and you keep it. And when you talk about the gun lobby that wants wars. And when you talk about the oil lobby that doesn't want electric cars.

The only lobbies that are "conspiracy theorists" are those that contradict your dietary religion, apparently.

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Following the YouTube format, now I have to tell you "what happens to your body when you do as I tell you"?

1. Feel the flavors five times stronger. Everyone. Every fucking molecule. You will learn to feel the spices. You will feel the parsley in the tomato sauce. You will feel the saltiness of the carbonara guanciale and you will not add more salt. Every-fucking-flavor. And when you walk into some overrated starred restaurant you find out what shit they do 'cause you taste every flavor. Curiosity: when you really feel the flavours, you will always eat beef steak “well done”, the reason why you like it rare is that you no longer taste anything.
2. You will start to smell again. And believe me, it will change your life, because you will discover that supermarket and large-scale distribution food has no smell . It doesn't smell. It definitely sucks, with the only exception that it decomposes less easily, remaining inside you, for longer. It's the fucking preservatives who, in fact, oppose the transformation of food into shit. Process which, however, is the center of nutrition.
3. Save money. Instead, milking you is the goal of every dietitian. There is no diet that is not "for the rich", as they are all conceived and designed to make you spend more. From those who pay academic nutritionists (or not) to advise them.
4. You will lose weight in a way that will amaze you, and is easily controlled by adjusting your budget. The more you concentrate your budget in one day, the more you lose weight, but eat better that day.
5. You will eat better things. Not every day, but on Sunday you'll be eating things you can't afford today, just because you're spreading your budget over the whole week evenly.
6. Your body will go into a state of alarm because you eat little. For this, as happens to all hungry animals, you will be more active, more responsive, more performing, less fat, more tonic, both at work and outside. (unless your job disgusts you, ditto for your existence. But no diet will ever save you from this).